journal stuff, except it's not in my journal (PB)

Everyone has filled out at least one of those questionnaires out.  You know what I'm talking about,  they always have them in personality quizzes and magazines.  Books and surveys.  The familiar set of life questions that are meant to give you insight to who you truly are.  Of course, there's usually some repeating ones. 

What is your definition of love? 

Dogs or cats? 

Who in your life makes you laugh the most? 

What is your biggest fear? 

 

See, it's that last one that really gets to me.  Every time I see it, it's like everything in my brain suddenly stops and falls back on this little dusty reel of thoughts, starting to play in my head.  It begins with my age.  Fifteen. 

 

Flashing back to child me, I remember how I used to lay my head on my mother's lap, hair cascading down her legs while I tell her softly that I could never ever ever be mad at her.  How I couldn't stand the thought of having to grow up and move away from home.  I hug her and kiss her on the cheek, then reach up and whisper that I looove her so much. 

The tape slips forward to another memory. 

 

I'm sitting in a hot car with my sister.  There's sweat dripping tauntingly slow down my temple and I reach to wipe it off with a towel in the backseat every few minutes.  The baby starts crying.  I feel the now familiar tightening in the back of my throat and the dull feeling on my eyelids.  Mom said she would be back soon!  The baby gets louder and I'm so hot.  I turn around and scream at her until she goes silent.  Then I release and start to cry.  I climb into the back and tell her sorry over and over. 

The tape moves faster. 

 

I'm on the phone with my best friend.  You can see how dark it is outside the window.  The doors to my closet have been completely shut and I'm crouching on top of a pile of sweaters because if my parents heard me I'd be dead.  I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I ask my poor friend why I'm never good enough for anyone?  Why can't anyone just accept me for myself?  Why can't I do that too?  Why won't I forget about him because he really is such an awful person and I know it's dumb and I'm just a kid?  She doesn't have any answers for me, though.  Then I tell myself to shut up, why can't I ever just shut up? 

The tape is wearing down. 

 

I'm sitting cross legged on the floor staring into nothing because that's how I feel.  My best friends are having our first fight.  I don't have any more tears, or maybe I do, but for now my eyes catch a break.  My throat is hoarse.  Someone's pointing their finger at me, which makes no sense because I know my own name and I know that I'm the problem.  That's just the way it is.  So I leave the room and sit on the toilet seat while blankly listening to their conversation through the thin walls, letting them unknowingly spit the poison that will sink into my heart for the next who knows how long, believing everything they say with an empty heart.  I guess there are more tears. 

 

Today. 

I sit on my bed writing these words and think about that reel of tape.  It's moving so fast.  Too fast.  I begin to wonder when it will catch and just 

stop. 

#Commonsense SSR

Did you know that putting a man in jail for rape is wrong?  Yep, it's true.  I guess I didn't realize that a predator has to be able to "read your mind" to know that you aren't giving sexual consent.  I mean, even if a girl is screaming and kicking her way out of a man's tight grip, it was her fault because she is the one who 

had a skirt on 

went to the bar 

was asking for it 

wasn't carrying mace 

should have known that she is only seen as a sexual object

is a female. 

 

Another fun fact: All feminists are "bitter and ugly inside and out" and "need to bring others down just to feel good".  Oh no!  Sound the alarms!  It seems that even though I consider myself to be a feminist, I am the same pretty lass that I had been just a minute ago.  And my guts don't feel any more disgusting than they were in the first place.  How strange.  But wait, silly me, I forgot that since I'm a girl I don't get to have a positive opinion about my body because that's considered "conceited" and "narcissistic".  I shouldn't be able to readily say that I love my face, or that I like having long legs.  Yet, men have every right to judge me however they please because they just can't control themselves.  You know the old saying, boys will be boys.  Or my personal favorite, when complaining about a guy's stare, you should just remember that it's like they are dogs attracted to a steak!  Although I guess human beings do have the capability to control their wandering eyes and hands because people. are. not. dogs.  And I am not a piece of meat.

 

Now, we can't forget the lovely old argument that seemingly every single person absolutely loves to bring up when it comes to having the right to wear what you want without drool coming out of the nearest kid's mouth. 

 

"But wait, what about like, the girls who have their like, butt hanging out of their shorts.  I mean, like, I don't want to see that.  Oh my god some girls just love attention, they'll do anything to get it." 

 

….. 

 

I'm sorry I didn't realize that when I get up every morning, I dress for you, just you, specifically, I only think of what your lame opinion is when I calculate the exact measurement that my dress has to be in order to direct your attention away from my stunning body.  And who says that receiving attention is a bad thing?  I love when I'm telling a story and I have everyone at my feet hanging on to every word that I say.  Or when my laugh is so loud and dumb sounding that the whole room has their eyes on my red face.  But what I don’t love is being oppressed because my undeveloped body is just too much to handle for the average teenage boy. 

 

So you would think after all of this, that only men have been stating these opinions.  But as you can see, if you follow the link at the top of the page it is a whole colony of women who believe in this idea of #womenagainstfeminism.  Scroll down the site and you will find hundreds of pictures of these females holding up papers with a list of their personal reasons to why antifeminism is the way to go.  And their movement is growing.  On their Facebook page, they currently have over 23,000 likes.

 

Now, I want to make something clear.  I wrote this article not to just spew a whole truckload of opinion all over everyone's day.  I want people to wake up and realize that women should have the same rights as men, and they should be equal in every single way.  This shouldn't even be an issue, but it is, and it needs to be cleared up right away because I'm sick of finding things like this website.  I want to feel like I am given the same opportunities as others, and currently, I don't. 

 

So please, be aware.  Make your voice heard.  And remember if someone tries to say something about a boy being like a dog, tell them that you are the dog and they are the steak, and you will destroy them.